-31- [Flood - Not Affected, he's a Total Liar]

[tatty_bye]

I long for friendships, but I have long forgotten how to form them. I feel undeserving. I bring people to my bed, constantly, because I am afraid to be alone. I drank when I was able because I was unhappy. I still am. So...so very desperately unhappy. I often speak publicly, on behalf of the Admiral, or to say cruel or scandalous things, because I feel safest when I am in the public eye. I do long to be different. I simply know no proper way to bring about change, and I hesitate to ask because I feel no one will understand me.

[Private to Merlin]

So... tell me about Aredian.

Comments

Private

[takeyouapart.livejournal.com]

...

If you know that name at all then I doubt there's very much I can add.

Private

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

You framed a man and ultimately led to his own death. I am aware that he tried to do the same to you and yours, but do you feel justified?

Private

[takeyouapart.livejournal.com]

Aredian tortured and framed countless people over decades. He made himself a favourite of King Uther by manipulating his hatred of magic. The only way to save Gaius, and all the other people he would ever hurt, was by using his own methods against him.

I never feel justified when I take a life. I do what I have to do to protect as many people as I can.

Private

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

And Morgana?

And releasing the Dragon?

Private

[takeyouapart.livejournal.com]

What do you want me to say, Reaver?

Private

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

Something satisfying, naturally. This is an environment for helping, after all.

Private

[takeyouapart.livejournal.com]

I know I've made mistakes and gotten people hurt. I've never claimed I haven't.

Private

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

I'm not asking you because I dispute whether you know. I'm asking you because I want you to talk about them.

Private

[takeyouapart.livejournal.com]

I don't have anything to say.

Private

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

I think you should think of something to say.

Private

[takeyouapart.livejournal.com]

Why?

Private

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

Because I have nothing better to do. Just like you.

Private

[takeyouapart.livejournal.com]

I actually have loads of things to do that are better than chatting about my file with you. You're the one who needs to find something to do all day.

Private

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

You only think I do.

But we're pretending to be helpful, here.

Private

[takeyouapart.livejournal.com]

No, you're actually being a pain in the neck because you're bored.

Private

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

Actually, I'm making a point.

So tell me about Morgana.

Private

[takeyouapart.livejournal.com]

She was one of my best friends and now she's one of my worst enemies.

What point?

Private

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

Go on.

Guess.

Private

[takeyouapart.livejournal.com]

If it's that you want to talk about your life to me about as much as I want to talk about mine to you, then I don't know what to say to you. I could talk to you as much as you wanted about Morgana and Aredian and Mordred and anyone else and it wouldn't make any difference to you, so I don't know why I should bother.

Private

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

Perhaps I might consider it an act of good faith.

Private

[takeyouapart.livejournal.com]

No, you won't. You'll laugh at me for thinking I might be able to meet you halfway and then you still won't talk to me.

Private

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

But as my Warden is it not your duty to try?

Now I'm trying too! Why, by the time we're through we'll both be well-adjusted formerly murderous malcontents. Imagine!

Private

[takeyouapart.livejournal.com]

It's not my duty as your Warden to play whatever mad games you're interested in at any given moment. And I am not the same as you.

Private

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

Time will tell, Merlin. To so willfully throw caution to the wind, to loose a dangerous beast on innocents, costing hundreds of lives that you must have known would be taken. To attempt to kill people you had known and loved as friends. To keep your silence when speaking might have prevented such a thing ever having been needed.

You monster.

Private

[takeyouapart.livejournal.com]

Are you finished, Reaver?

Private

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

No.

Tell me about Morgana.

Private

[takeyouapart.livejournal.com]

What do you want to hear?

She was one of my best friends. I did love her. I would have trusted her with my life and I think she might have done the same for me - and then things changed. She discovered that she had magic - her, living right under the nose of a king who wanted to see every last shred of sorcery destroyed, a sorceress. She was scared, and angry, and other people used that to turn her into a weapon to wield against Camelot.

Could I have stopped that happening if I'd told her about my magic, if I'd helped her? I don't know. I hate that I didn't try before it was too late. I didn't enjoy trying to kill her to save the kingdom. But we've both made our choices.

Private

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

How very righteous. How very sweet.

Private

[takeyouapart.livejournal.com]

I'm not righteous. I've never pretended to be. But I don't blame you of all people for not even knowing what the word means.

Private

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

I'd like my pistols returned to me, and for this ridiculous spell you've placed on me to be lifted.

Private

[takeyouapart.livejournal.com]

Do you.

Private

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

When you're ready to talk about that is when we'll speak again. In the meantime I think I'll be transcribing this file.

No one's to know whether the Admiral intends to take them back once this silliness has finished, after all.

Private

[takeyouapart.livejournal.com]

What happened to it being your choice, Reaver? You know exactly when I'll be ready to talk about it.

Let me know if you need any paper.

[buywithme.livejournal.com]

This resonates closely with my own experiences of being an inmate.

I would really like to be able to extend some kind of reassurance to you, but I don't really know anything about you, and I think the reasons why I felt like this are very different to the reasons why you feel like this, so I don't think I can contribute anything useful.

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

You are probably right about our reasons differing, but I do not know your reasons.

[glad-of-war.livejournal.com]

What was that? I swear, I was listening to you talk, but I just heard: "I have a vagina" over and over.

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

Perhaps you should speak to the infirmary about hearing problems. I hear they're quite common among the elderly.

[glad-of-war.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, just like everyone else, I don't understand you.

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

You have no idea.

Private

[glad-of-war.livejournal.com]

So I'm guessing since you didn't feel compelled to correct me and educate me on all the things I don't understand about you, your teary little confession is some nicely packaged bullshit?

Private

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

I feel it has failed to occur to you that I cannot educate you perhaps because I do not know how to.

[gotgreenmagic.livejournal.com]

Shut up.

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

I do not think that I could if I tried.

[gotgreenmagic.livejournal.com]

Like that's anything new.

You could have at least tried to be subtle.

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

I have no idea what you're talking about.

[gotgreenmagic.livejournal.com]

Now you're definitely lying.

[tatty-bye.livejournal.com]

It hadn't occurred to me.

[gotgreenmagic.livejournal.com]

Whatever, Reaver.

[toldastory]

I'm sorry. I'll be your friend. I try to be everyone's friend unless they bugger over my friends or are the Master in disguise.